Self Summary Gems

Below are actual verbatim lines from male OKCupid profiles in the “Self Summary” section. For those of you lucky enough not to know all the perils of online dating, the self summary section is the brief intro at the top of your profile designed to draw your online stalker in for more. Though these failed to make me keep reading, they did at least make me laugh.

  • “Hear Ye Hear Ye, Women of OK Cupid your king has been summoned for you!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA evil laugh lol. On a serious note, I want to give a salute to all the women of OK Cupid.”
  • I’m an attorney, but I rarely practice law. Instead, I go where my heart leads me. (Suffice it to say that my heart leads me fat, far away from law.)
  • i love popcorn. it’s apparent that some people of phone thing vicious. Oh just gettable Man I don’t know why was like no but I like somebody is around.”
  • I’m really just hoping to find someone who will accept me for who I am pretending to be.
  •  a summary doesn’t do me justice. you must go through my profile. my pictures are best admired enlarged. you then have to take charge and message me not making petty excuses not to contact me. also don’t expect me to message you back if i come across your visit because your visit does not constitute contact.
  • i don’t have much to say, but that might change but for now….. Imma Do Me!”
  • I am a man. I do science, though I subvert many of the typical nerd paradigms regarding hygeine and social aptitude.
  • hi umm… I’m a virgin but I’m really nice and I watch a lot of different porno so I’ll treat you right ok. pls respond. dis dick aint gonna suck itself. thirsy bitches holla. send pix or no response. must also be ok with my unemployment and depressing sotires. respond immediately or i’ll kill again. xoxo weird internet guy.”