Doesn’t Get a Hint Guy

So here’s a story to help sway you towards not moving your conversation to text before you’ve fully ruled out that the person is either a total psycho, stage 5 clinger or both.

After exchanging a few casual messages with a guy on OKCupid who looked cute, seemed cool, and was easy to talk to from what I could tell, he sent me his number and said to text him anytime. I was feeling semi-weary about him already because he had a town listed on his profile (Arlington) which was much closer to DC than where he actually lived (Glen Burnie, MD). He said he stayed with a friend in the town he had posted several days a week, but dude, that’s not where you live and not what you should have your location posted as on a dating site.

So, against my better judgement, I texted him later that evening per his request and our conversation went exactly like this:

  • Me: Heya, this is Beth from OKC.
  • Him: ?
  • Him: DC lol
  • Me: OKC as in OKCupid haha
  • Him: Ha ha yo rock
  • Him: Your my only Beth
  • Me: Ha well I don’t know. What are you up to tonight?
  • Him: Lol drinking with cousins. NUTS
  • Him: What you doing???
  • You pass out lol

Yes, I did pass out. It was late and I was tired, so I didn’t respond to that last string of messages when I woke up. So then the day’s communication goes like this.

  • Him: 9:58am: Hey! Morning!
  • Him: 1:35pm: You alive??
  • Me: 2:03pm: Haha yes. Busy day sorry.
  • Him: 2:04pm: Lol don’t be.

So at this point I’m already like ok dude, calm down. We haven’t talked on the phone much less met in person yet, so take it easy with the “you alive??” stuff. I’m allowed to not respond to you for a few hours, or even a few days at this point, without you worrying that I am dead. Little did I know that would be my last text back to him, as the conversation quickly went from that to the next level.

Later that day:

  • Him: 3:41pm: I’ll keep off OKC out of respect to you. I’m weird/old school like that
  • Him: 7:01pm: Have a great night! Be safe

Ummm what?? You’re going to get off the dating site that we found each other on before we’ve even met or spoken on the phone? Because you’re old school? Please stay on it. Please. Again, no response from me.

Then, the next day:

  • Him: 1:37pm: Happy new year!

Nothing from me. And again the next:

  • Him: 3:58pm: Made it back to MD in one piece
  • Him: 6:25pm: Random question, have you ever seen Shear Madness?

Nothing. And then today:

  • Him: 5:04pm: Be safe in this winter crap!

So that would mean 7 texts from him in a row spread over 4 days with no response from me. I thought for sure that would be the end of our communication, but he did not want to give up.

The next day:

  • Him: Did you die? Go into hiding??

Really?

He took the next day off, but two days later I got:

  • Him: Are you watching the Packers game later?

Apparently he figured out I was not in fact dead. I guess at this point he decided he would have to look into alternate ways of getting in touch, because he went back to OKCupid and sent me a message from there when I wasn’t responding to the texts. I got the notification on my phone, and I was like “Hmm this name looks familiar…” and then I realized it was DGaHG!

  • “I hope all is well!!”

At this point, I actually started to feel some sympathy towards him. It’s obvious he means well, but is absolutely clueless. Once he had tried all the texts and then back to OKC, I was sure I’d be in the clear, but not so. The next day, he was back to text.

  • Him: “What’s new??”

I finally realized it was never going to end unless I said something. So I reverted to a tried and tested method by saying:

  • Me: Hey DGaHG… Listen, sorry I’ve been non responsive. I started seeing someone and so I am going to see where that goes and not date other people. Good luck to you!

And I’m so glad I sent that, because his response to it was the best part of the whole thing.

  • Him: No problem lol! Be safe
  • Him: Your honesty is respectable. It’s a rare thing

Honesty! Hahaha.

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Where It Began: Second Date Stud

OKCupid was the first online dating site I tried. I whipped up a quick profile, not knowing that creating a username with your first and last name wasn’t the best idea for anonymity. Before too long, I got a message from a guy who’s profile seemed to meet my first set of requirements – funny, tall, and attractive.

After a few messages back and forth, we moved our communication over to gmail and made plans for Sunday brunch. I remember feeling so mature for having a brunch date rather than a night out at the bar. I was both excited and nervous, but mostly nervous. Would he think I was cute? Would I be super awkward? Would conversation flow easy? It’s funny that most of my concerns were about myself going into the date.

The Friday night before our scheduled brunch, I was out for a few drinks with one of my girlfriends when my phone went off. It was Second Date Stud (SDS), and he asked if by any chance I was free for drinks that night because he had just gotten finished with drinks with his coworkers and found himself free on a Friday night. My friend had other plans after our drinks, so after those two glasses of wine, meeting up for more drinks with SDS that night sounded like a great idea.

We made plans with where to meet and before I knew what was happening, I was looking at SDS on the street outside the bar we picked. As soon as we exchanged words, I found out what his profile did not tell – he had a stutter. Not ideal, but I could handle it. So we walked into the bar and sat down at a table.

The bartender came over to offer us drinks and we each ordered a beer. When she brought the drinks back to our table, she asked if she could have a card to start a tab. SDS didn’t even pretend to reach for his wallet, so I went ahead and handed her my card. I don’t have a problem with paying or splitting the bill, but at least make an effort to reach for your wallet.

The awkward conversation that followed consisted of SDS talking nonstop about himself and not taking a break to ask me any questions about myself. I literally had to cut him off to get a word in edgewise, and as I was sitting there, I realized – you know what? I can hold a conversation, I was less awkward in person than I expected, and that just by being cool and normal I was miles ahead of this guy. One of my favorite telling parts of the conversation was when I asked him if he’d done a lot of online dating, and he told me that he had had a ton of first dates, but almost no second dates. Odd.

After the beer, SDS wanted to get a second drink, but I was just not into it so I said I had to get up early the next day and that we should just call it a night. The bartender came over and we asked for our tab, and as I was paying for both my beer and his, he huddled over the bill and said…

“Well now we HAVE to go on a second date since you paid for this one!” Is that how you think it works, buddy?

We parted ways with a really awkward and rigid hug, and before I took two steps in the opposite direction, I had a text from him. And then another. And another. Saying all the activities he wanted to do together the next day, and that he couldn’t wait for brunch on Sunday. Was he on a different date than I was? Did he really think that there was chemistry and that we’d be going out again?

The next morning, I had a total of 7 texts from him since the night before. I decided to respond bluntly, like my profile claimed I was. “Hi SDS. It was great meeting you, but I just didn’t feel any in person chemistry. Good luck.”

Hopefully since then he’s come up with a different tactic for securing date number two.

Self Summary Gems

Below are actual verbatim lines from male OKCupid profiles in the “Self Summary” section. For those of you lucky enough not to know all the perils of online dating, the self summary section is the brief intro at the top of your profile designed to draw your online stalker in for more. Though these failed to make me keep reading, they did at least make me laugh.

  • “Hear Ye Hear Ye, Women of OK Cupid your king has been summoned for you!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA evil laugh lol. On a serious note, I want to give a salute to all the women of OK Cupid.”
  • I’m an attorney, but I rarely practice law. Instead, I go where my heart leads me. (Suffice it to say that my heart leads me fat, far away from law.)
  • i love popcorn. it’s apparent that some people of phone thing vicious. Oh just gettable Man I don’t know why was like no but I like somebody is around.”
  • I’m really just hoping to find someone who will accept me for who I am pretending to be.
  •  a summary doesn’t do me justice. you must go through my profile. my pictures are best admired enlarged. you then have to take charge and message me not making petty excuses not to contact me. also don’t expect me to message you back if i come across your visit because your visit does not constitute contact.
  • i don’t have much to say, but that might change but for now….. Imma Do Me!”
  • I am a man. I do science, though I subvert many of the typical nerd paradigms regarding hygeine and social aptitude.
  • hi umm… I’m a virgin but I’m really nice and I watch a lot of different porno so I’ll treat you right ok. pls respond. dis dick aint gonna suck itself. thirsy bitches holla. send pix or no response. must also be ok with my unemployment and depressing sotires. respond immediately or i’ll kill again. xoxo weird internet guy.”