Lesson Learned: Drive by Date Guy

After realizing that a lot of communication over messages and emails wasn’t a good way to tell if there was chemistry through my date with SDS, I implemented a phone rule, where I had to talk on the phone with a potential date before actually meeting up.

At the same time, I signed up for one of the sketchier dating sites – Plenty of Fish. This one is an iPhone app which basically gives you access to text everyone on the site through the app. The sketchy messages I was getting should have been an indication of the caliber of individuals on POF, but I wasn’t ready to accept it at the time.

One of the less sketchy messages I got was from Drive by Date Guy. He opened the conversation with a simple “Hey, how are you?” and looked cute and tall so I responded. After chatting away on the app, I decided to tell him about my rule and we set up a phone conversation for that night.

At first, the conversation was fine. He was articulate, it was easy to talk to him, and I could already tell there was more chemistry than with SDS. But then, things got weird. One of my profile pictures at the time was me in a running visor at my desk, about to run home from work. He asked me if I’d ever worn heels with that visor – umm, no. What? Then he asked me what I did for a living, and when I mentioned working in a private school organization, he said, “Oooh, like Catholic school girls in heels?” Yikes.

As if that wasn’t enough, I went on to tell him I was going to Philly that weekend, and he said, “I hate Philly. The girls there suck and the guys chase you down the street.” I said, “It sounds like you’re the common thread in that situation, DBDG. What happened?” He then went on to tell me a story about how he got in a traffic altercation with a black guy, and proceeded to call the guy a racial slur – I’ll let you venture to guess which one.

After picking my jaw up from the floor (Who thinks that’s acceptable to say in the first place? AND, if you do, who on earth would ever tell someone you said that!?!), DBDG asked me if I would be interested in a Drive by Date. What’s that, you ask? I didn’t know either. Apparently it’s where you pick a place to meet, and you literally drive up and look at your potential date, and then decide if you want to go on an actual date after that. “Wow, DBDG, you sound shallow.” “I wasn’t saying I wanted to do it!” (Yes, yes you did.)

I quickly ended the conversation after that, relieved to be off the phone and unsure about this new rule I had implemented. I shook it off and went out to my planned birthday party that evening.

The next morning, I got a call from DBDG that I didn’t answer. He left a voicemail saying, “Hey, it’s DBDG. I was wondering if you still wanted to hang out tonight? I’m heading into the office – you can call or text me back. Talk to you later!” Umm? Still wanted to hang out tonight? I can guarantee you I never gave any indication that I wanted to actually meet up in person, and certainly hadn’t set a day to do it.

So, I texted him back. The conversation went exactly as follows:

  • Me: Hey DBDG. It was nice talking to you last night but I’m not interested in going on a date. Good luck to you!
  • Him: Really? Why? Did I say something?
  • Me: There were just some red flags and I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, yours or mine. Your racial slurs, all the high heel comments, your ‘drive by’ dates. I’m just not interested. I’m sure you’ll find someone who is though. Good luck!
  • Him: Wow I am shocked. I thought we had some chemistry. I was looking forward to hanging out with you.
  • Him: I think you are lettin your head get in your wya, then again maybe I am not your type, I don’t believe that is what it is though
  • Him: You should think about it
  • Him: Or at least tell me what these red flags are
  • Me: I just told you. Your drive by dates, the high heel obsession, and you seem like a racist. Those things are not my type. I’ve dated a lot and know to go with my gut.
  • Him: I only did one drive by and it was like 10 years ago!
  • Him: And yeah I have a heel fetish sue me, I am a tall guy
  • Him: The racisist thing is maybe a legitamate concern based on how I said what I said but think of it more as a tosh.o racisim lol
  • Him: You should give people a chance

-10 points for grammar and spelling, to boot.

Since the phone rule did keep me away from meeting this psycho, I probably should have kept it implemented for longer.

Where It Began: Second Date Stud

OKCupid was the first online dating site I tried. I whipped up a quick profile, not knowing that creating a username with your first and last name wasn’t the best idea for anonymity. Before too long, I got a message from a guy who’s profile seemed to meet my first set of requirements – funny, tall, and attractive.

After a few messages back and forth, we moved our communication over to gmail and made plans for Sunday brunch. I remember feeling so mature for having a brunch date rather than a night out at the bar. I was both excited and nervous, but mostly nervous. Would he think I was cute? Would I be super awkward? Would conversation flow easy? It’s funny that most of my concerns were about myself going into the date.

The Friday night before our scheduled brunch, I was out for a few drinks with one of my girlfriends when my phone went off. It was Second Date Stud (SDS), and he asked if by any chance I was free for drinks that night because he had just gotten finished with drinks with his coworkers and found himself free on a Friday night. My friend had other plans after our drinks, so after those two glasses of wine, meeting up for more drinks with SDS that night sounded like a great idea.

We made plans with where to meet and before I knew what was happening, I was looking at SDS on the street outside the bar we picked. As soon as we exchanged words, I found out what his profile did not tell – he had a stutter. Not ideal, but I could handle it. So we walked into the bar and sat down at a table.

The bartender came over to offer us drinks and we each ordered a beer. When she brought the drinks back to our table, she asked if she could have a card to start a tab. SDS didn’t even pretend to reach for his wallet, so I went ahead and handed her my card. I don’t have a problem with paying or splitting the bill, but at least make an effort to reach for your wallet.

The awkward conversation that followed consisted of SDS talking nonstop about himself and not taking a break to ask me any questions about myself. I literally had to cut him off to get a word in edgewise, and as I was sitting there, I realized – you know what? I can hold a conversation, I was less awkward in person than I expected, and that just by being cool and normal I was miles ahead of this guy. One of my favorite telling parts of the conversation was when I asked him if he’d done a lot of online dating, and he told me that he had had a ton of first dates, but almost no second dates. Odd.

After the beer, SDS wanted to get a second drink, but I was just not into it so I said I had to get up early the next day and that we should just call it a night. The bartender came over and we asked for our tab, and as I was paying for both my beer and his, he huddled over the bill and said…

“Well now we HAVE to go on a second date since you paid for this one!” Is that how you think it works, buddy?

We parted ways with a really awkward and rigid hug, and before I took two steps in the opposite direction, I had a text from him. And then another. And another. Saying all the activities he wanted to do together the next day, and that he couldn’t wait for brunch on Sunday. Was he on a different date than I was? Did he really think that there was chemistry and that we’d be going out again?

The next morning, I had a total of 7 texts from him since the night before. I decided to respond bluntly, like my profile claimed I was. “Hi SDS. It was great meeting you, but I just didn’t feel any in person chemistry. Good luck.”

Hopefully since then he’s come up with a different tactic for securing date number two.

Self Summary Gems

Below are actual verbatim lines from male OKCupid profiles in the “Self Summary” section. For those of you lucky enough not to know all the perils of online dating, the self summary section is the brief intro at the top of your profile designed to draw your online stalker in for more. Though these failed to make me keep reading, they did at least make me laugh.

  • “Hear Ye Hear Ye, Women of OK Cupid your king has been summoned for you!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA evil laugh lol. On a serious note, I want to give a salute to all the women of OK Cupid.”
  • I’m an attorney, but I rarely practice law. Instead, I go where my heart leads me. (Suffice it to say that my heart leads me fat, far away from law.)
  • i love popcorn. it’s apparent that some people of phone thing vicious. Oh just gettable Man I don’t know why was like no but I like somebody is around.”
  • I’m really just hoping to find someone who will accept me for who I am pretending to be.
  •  a summary doesn’t do me justice. you must go through my profile. my pictures are best admired enlarged. you then have to take charge and message me not making petty excuses not to contact me. also don’t expect me to message you back if i come across your visit because your visit does not constitute contact.
  • i don’t have much to say, but that might change but for now….. Imma Do Me!”
  • I am a man. I do science, though I subvert many of the typical nerd paradigms regarding hygeine and social aptitude.
  • hi umm… I’m a virgin but I’m really nice and I watch a lot of different porno so I’ll treat you right ok. pls respond. dis dick aint gonna suck itself. thirsy bitches holla. send pix or no response. must also be ok with my unemployment and depressing sotires. respond immediately or i’ll kill again. xoxo weird internet guy.”