The Famished Guy

This gem of a guy came my way from the dating app I use the least – Tinder. Tinder is basically like the modern day “Hot or Not” and you go through people’s pictures and swipe right if you’re into them, or left if you’re not. The only info provided by default beyond their photos is their age, town, and the distance in miles they are away from you. Because of that, you don’t know much about them and it’s intriguing in a way. You’re just picking someone based off whether you find them attractive, so in an ideal setting, it could actually feel somewhat organic if you set up a date to meet pretty quickly, and then proceed to get to know each other the old fashioned way, rather than through profiles, questions, and messages.

After our brief exchange of messages on Tinder, The Famished Guy (TFG) asked for my phone number and actually CALLED me to set up a date. Let’s let that sink in for a second. These days the phone call is quite a rare, and much appreciated, commodity, so I gladly agreed to meet up with him after a quick and effortless conversation on the phone. I was actually thinking that it would be nice to go on a date with someone who was chivalrous (side note: how pathetic is it that I thought of him as chivalrous because he actually picked up the phone to call me instead of texting? the chivalry bar is quite low these days, apparently).

So I get to the hip restaurant he’s suggested as our destination on the date and time we agreed to, and quickly spot TFG from across the bar. Initially I am a bit taken back by his stature. He was MUCH shorter in real life than he had strategically made himself appear online I was expecting, and also a lot more stout. And the thing is, I actually don’t even care that much about looks and stature (though it wasn’t a mistake I left height off that list), but I don’t like being misled because it shows a lack of confidence on some level.

Anyway, I put all that aside because I figured it was too late to reconsider, take a deep breath, and walk over to say hello. Within the first few seconds, I am struck by his lack of personality and it becomes extremely apparently that this guy is very dull, that there’s no attraction from my end, and that I’m in for a very long first glass of wine. Right away he brags about how intense his workout from earlier in the day was, and how it’s left him completely famished and drained.

I glance over to the bar and notice there is a stool available, so I offer him the option to sit because of his depleted state. Fortunately, he didn’t take me up on that and tells me to go ahead and sit, and then finished the chair offering with, “But don’t be surprised if I faint.”

The next string of events happened so fast. The words he’d just said had barely sunk in before he was collapsing to the floor next to my stool, on purpose, in an attempt to look like he was fainting. I guess he thought this demonstration would be hysterical, but I just felt… shocked. Just before he completely hits the ground, a man sitting near me excitedly blurts out, “Oh my god, are you proposing!?!” loud enough that it draws even more attention from around the bar, just as TFG makes the final part of his descent and then is completely splayed out on the ground next to where I’m sitting. I was in a state of equal parts confusion, surprise, and embarrassment.

As if the whole situation was enough already, he looks up and replies from the ground, “No, this is actually our first date!” Nice recovery, TFG.

So that all took place before the first five minutes of meeting him were up, and I hadn’t even gotten to order the glass of wine yet. Against my better judgement, and mostly just because I didn’t want to seem like a total asshole, I decided to stay for a drink and give my nerves a chance to calm down. I felt like I at least deserved a free glass of wine in addition to the story from all that happened, but that turned out not to be the case either.

He started a tab for us and asked if I wanted to eat. I told him just to order whatever he wanted because I wasn’t too hungry, hoping that it might deter him from ordering food, but it didn’t. So I sat there with him for the next hour, during which I had two three glasses of wine, watched him eat a bunch of tapas and drink two glasses of wine, and learned several interesting tidbits about him, including:

  1. He was (is?) 37 and is “in transition”, so is currently living with his parents.
  2. The “in transition” part also meant he did not have a job at the moment.
  3. He was engaged to a 23 year old in NYC and had broken it off just a couple months before our date (or had she?).
  4. Two glasses of wine made him feel “really buzzed” (his words, not mine).
  5. He works out often.

Once he was finished eating and sharing his life story, I told him how tired I was and suggested we get the check. They quickly bring back the bill with his credit card run for the total since he had used it to start the tab. When it came, even though the check had already been paid, I felt compelled to play the “do you want me to help pay/say no if you want a second date” game that occurs on every first date. So, I offered up $20 cash to contribute for the tip, but also took out my card if he wanted me to pay more than that. The charmer then took me up on the offer to split the bill (though I’m not sure that’s exactly what I was offering since he was the one who ordered and ate all the food on our bill?) and insisted our bartender re-run his card and mine to split the check. At that point I was so ready to leave that I just decided to suck it up so I could get the hell out of there and this whole thing would be over.

As we neared the exit, he looked at me and goes, “So, where should we go now?”

That was the first offer that wasn’t accepted that night.

Doesn’t Get a Hint Guy

So here’s a story to help sway you towards not moving your conversation to text before you’ve fully ruled out that the person is either a total psycho, stage 5 clinger or both.

After exchanging a few casual messages with a guy on OKCupid who looked cute, seemed cool, and was easy to talk to from what I could tell, he sent me his number and said to text him anytime. I was feeling semi-weary about him already because he had a town listed on his profile (Arlington) which was much closer to DC than where he actually lived (Glen Burnie, MD). He said he stayed with a friend in the town he had posted several days a week, but dude, that’s not where you live and not what you should have your location posted as on a dating site.

So, against my better judgement, I texted him later that evening per his request and our conversation went exactly like this:

  • Me: Heya, this is Beth from OKC.
  • Him: ?
  • Him: DC lol
  • Me: OKC as in OKCupid haha
  • Him: Ha ha yo rock
  • Him: Your my only Beth
  • Me: Ha well I don’t know. What are you up to tonight?
  • Him: Lol drinking with cousins. NUTS
  • Him: What you doing???
  • You pass out lol

Yes, I did pass out. It was late and I was tired, so I didn’t respond to that last string of messages when I woke up. So then the day’s communication goes like this.

  • Him: 9:58am: Hey! Morning!
  • Him: 1:35pm: You alive??
  • Me: 2:03pm: Haha yes. Busy day sorry.
  • Him: 2:04pm: Lol don’t be.

So at this point I’m already like ok dude, calm down. We haven’t talked on the phone much less met in person yet, so take it easy with the “you alive??” stuff. I’m allowed to not respond to you for a few hours, or even a few days at this point, without you worrying that I am dead. Little did I know that would be my last text back to him, as the conversation quickly went from that to the next level.

Later that day:

  • Him: 3:41pm: I’ll keep off OKC out of respect to you. I’m weird/old school like that
  • Him: 7:01pm: Have a great night! Be safe

Ummm what?? You’re going to get off the dating site that we found each other on before we’ve even met or spoken on the phone? Because you’re old school? Please stay on it. Please. Again, no response from me.

Then, the next day:

  • Him: 1:37pm: Happy new year!

Nothing from me. And again the next:

  • Him: 3:58pm: Made it back to MD in one piece
  • Him: 6:25pm: Random question, have you ever seen Shear Madness?

Nothing. And then today:

  • Him: 5:04pm: Be safe in this winter crap!

So that would mean 7 texts from him in a row spread over 4 days with no response from me. I thought for sure that would be the end of our communication, but he did not want to give up.

The next day:

  • Him: Did you die? Go into hiding??

Really?

He took the next day off, but two days later I got:

  • Him: Are you watching the Packers game later?

Apparently he figured out I was not in fact dead. I guess at this point he decided he would have to look into alternate ways of getting in touch, because he went back to OKCupid and sent me a message from there when I wasn’t responding to the texts. I got the notification on my phone, and I was like “Hmm this name looks familiar…” and then I realized it was DGaHG!

  • “I hope all is well!!”

At this point, I actually started to feel some sympathy towards him. It’s obvious he means well, but is absolutely clueless. Once he had tried all the texts and then back to OKC, I was sure I’d be in the clear, but not so. The next day, he was back to text.

  • Him: “What’s new??”

I finally realized it was never going to end unless I said something. So I reverted to a tried and tested method by saying:

  • Me: Hey DGaHG… Listen, sorry I’ve been non responsive. I started seeing someone and so I am going to see where that goes and not date other people. Good luck to you!

And I’m so glad I sent that, because his response to it was the best part of the whole thing.

  • Him: No problem lol! Be safe
  • Him: Your honesty is respectable. It’s a rare thing

Honesty! Hahaha.

Lesson Learned: Drive by Date Guy

After realizing that a lot of communication over messages and emails wasn’t a good way to tell if there was chemistry through my date with SDS, I implemented a phone rule, where I had to talk on the phone with a potential date before actually meeting up.

At the same time, I signed up for one of the sketchier dating sites – Plenty of Fish. This one is an iPhone app which basically gives you access to text everyone on the site through the app. The sketchy messages I was getting should have been an indication of the caliber of individuals on POF, but I wasn’t ready to accept it at the time.

One of the less sketchy messages I got was from Drive by Date Guy. He opened the conversation with a simple “Hey, how are you?” and looked cute and tall so I responded. After chatting away on the app, I decided to tell him about my rule and we set up a phone conversation for that night.

At first, the conversation was fine. He was articulate, it was easy to talk to him, and I could already tell there was more chemistry than with SDS. But then, things got weird. One of my profile pictures at the time was me in a running visor at my desk, about to run home from work. He asked me if I’d ever worn heels with that visor – umm, no. What? Then he asked me what I did for a living, and when I mentioned working in a private school organization, he said, “Oooh, like Catholic school girls in heels?” Yikes.

As if that wasn’t enough, I went on to tell him I was going to Philly that weekend, and he said, “I hate Philly. The girls there suck and the guys chase you down the street.” I said, “It sounds like you’re the common thread in that situation, DBDG. What happened?” He then went on to tell me a story about how he got in a traffic altercation with a black guy, and proceeded to call the guy a racial slur – I’ll let you venture to guess which one.

After picking my jaw up from the floor (Who thinks that’s acceptable to say in the first place? AND, if you do, who on earth would ever tell someone you said that!?!), DBDG asked me if I would be interested in a Drive by Date. What’s that, you ask? I didn’t know either. Apparently it’s where you pick a place to meet, and you literally drive up and look at your potential date, and then decide if you want to go on an actual date after that. “Wow, DBDG, you sound shallow.” “I wasn’t saying I wanted to do it!” (Yes, yes you did.)

I quickly ended the conversation after that, relieved to be off the phone and unsure about this new rule I had implemented. I shook it off and went out to my planned birthday party that evening.

The next morning, I got a call from DBDG that I didn’t answer. He left a voicemail saying, “Hey, it’s DBDG. I was wondering if you still wanted to hang out tonight? I’m heading into the office – you can call or text me back. Talk to you later!” Umm? Still wanted to hang out tonight? I can guarantee you I never gave any indication that I wanted to actually meet up in person, and certainly hadn’t set a day to do it.

So, I texted him back. The conversation went exactly as follows:

  • Me: Hey DBDG. It was nice talking to you last night but I’m not interested in going on a date. Good luck to you!
  • Him: Really? Why? Did I say something?
  • Me: There were just some red flags and I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, yours or mine. Your racial slurs, all the high heel comments, your ‘drive by’ dates. I’m just not interested. I’m sure you’ll find someone who is though. Good luck!
  • Him: Wow I am shocked. I thought we had some chemistry. I was looking forward to hanging out with you.
  • Him: I think you are lettin your head get in your wya, then again maybe I am not your type, I don’t believe that is what it is though
  • Him: You should think about it
  • Him: Or at least tell me what these red flags are
  • Me: I just told you. Your drive by dates, the high heel obsession, and you seem like a racist. Those things are not my type. I’ve dated a lot and know to go with my gut.
  • Him: I only did one drive by and it was like 10 years ago!
  • Him: And yeah I have a heel fetish sue me, I am a tall guy
  • Him: The racisist thing is maybe a legitamate concern based on how I said what I said but think of it more as a tosh.o racisim lol
  • Him: You should give people a chance

-10 points for grammar and spelling, to boot.

Since the phone rule did keep me away from meeting this psycho, I probably should have kept it implemented for longer.

Where It Began: Second Date Stud

OKCupid was the first online dating site I tried. I whipped up a quick profile, not knowing that creating a username with your first and last name wasn’t the best idea for anonymity. Before too long, I got a message from a guy who’s profile seemed to meet my first set of requirements – funny, tall, and attractive.

After a few messages back and forth, we moved our communication over to gmail and made plans for Sunday brunch. I remember feeling so mature for having a brunch date rather than a night out at the bar. I was both excited and nervous, but mostly nervous. Would he think I was cute? Would I be super awkward? Would conversation flow easy? It’s funny that most of my concerns were about myself going into the date.

The Friday night before our scheduled brunch, I was out for a few drinks with one of my girlfriends when my phone went off. It was Second Date Stud (SDS), and he asked if by any chance I was free for drinks that night because he had just gotten finished with drinks with his coworkers and found himself free on a Friday night. My friend had other plans after our drinks, so after those two glasses of wine, meeting up for more drinks with SDS that night sounded like a great idea.

We made plans with where to meet and before I knew what was happening, I was looking at SDS on the street outside the bar we picked. As soon as we exchanged words, I found out what his profile did not tell – he had a stutter. Not ideal, but I could handle it. So we walked into the bar and sat down at a table.

The bartender came over to offer us drinks and we each ordered a beer. When she brought the drinks back to our table, she asked if she could have a card to start a tab. SDS didn’t even pretend to reach for his wallet, so I went ahead and handed her my card. I don’t have a problem with paying or splitting the bill, but at least make an effort to reach for your wallet.

The awkward conversation that followed consisted of SDS talking nonstop about himself and not taking a break to ask me any questions about myself. I literally had to cut him off to get a word in edgewise, and as I was sitting there, I realized – you know what? I can hold a conversation, I was less awkward in person than I expected, and that just by being cool and normal I was miles ahead of this guy. One of my favorite telling parts of the conversation was when I asked him if he’d done a lot of online dating, and he told me that he had had a ton of first dates, but almost no second dates. Odd.

After the beer, SDS wanted to get a second drink, but I was just not into it so I said I had to get up early the next day and that we should just call it a night. The bartender came over and we asked for our tab, and as I was paying for both my beer and his, he huddled over the bill and said…

“Well now we HAVE to go on a second date since you paid for this one!” Is that how you think it works, buddy?

We parted ways with a really awkward and rigid hug, and before I took two steps in the opposite direction, I had a text from him. And then another. And another. Saying all the activities he wanted to do together the next day, and that he couldn’t wait for brunch on Sunday. Was he on a different date than I was? Did he really think that there was chemistry and that we’d be going out again?

The next morning, I had a total of 7 texts from him since the night before. I decided to respond bluntly, like my profile claimed I was. “Hi SDS. It was great meeting you, but I just didn’t feel any in person chemistry. Good luck.”

Hopefully since then he’s come up with a different tactic for securing date number two.

Self Summary Gems

Below are actual verbatim lines from male OKCupid profiles in the “Self Summary” section. For those of you lucky enough not to know all the perils of online dating, the self summary section is the brief intro at the top of your profile designed to draw your online stalker in for more. Though these failed to make me keep reading, they did at least make me laugh.

  • “Hear Ye Hear Ye, Women of OK Cupid your king has been summoned for you!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA evil laugh lol. On a serious note, I want to give a salute to all the women of OK Cupid.”
  • I’m an attorney, but I rarely practice law. Instead, I go where my heart leads me. (Suffice it to say that my heart leads me fat, far away from law.)
  • i love popcorn. it’s apparent that some people of phone thing vicious. Oh just gettable Man I don’t know why was like no but I like somebody is around.”
  • I’m really just hoping to find someone who will accept me for who I am pretending to be.
  •  a summary doesn’t do me justice. you must go through my profile. my pictures are best admired enlarged. you then have to take charge and message me not making petty excuses not to contact me. also don’t expect me to message you back if i come across your visit because your visit does not constitute contact.
  • i don’t have much to say, but that might change but for now….. Imma Do Me!”
  • I am a man. I do science, though I subvert many of the typical nerd paradigms regarding hygeine and social aptitude.
  • hi umm… I’m a virgin but I’m really nice and I watch a lot of different porno so I’ll treat you right ok. pls respond. dis dick aint gonna suck itself. thirsy bitches holla. send pix or no response. must also be ok with my unemployment and depressing sotires. respond immediately or i’ll kill again. xoxo weird internet guy.”